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Funny Christmas quotes

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.  Jerry Seinfeld

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.  Dick Gregory

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.  Garrison Keillor

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.  Kin Hubbard

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.  Tom Sims

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?  Bill Watterson

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.  Katharine Whitehorn

The worst gift that I ever gave a girl was a suitcase for Christmas. As in, 'I can't think of anything to give you, but here's a new suitcase.' Afterward, I was like, 'What were you thinking, idiot?'  Jensen Ackles

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'  Dave Barry

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.  Richard Lamm

You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.  Robert Paul

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.  Dave Barry

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  Joan Rivers

Which Christmas is the most vivid to me? It's always the next Christmas.  Joanne Woodward

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.  Ogden Nash

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.  Dave Barry

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.  Andy Rooney

Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home.  Carol Nelson

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.  Robert Lynd

Some businessmen are saying this could be the greatest Christmas ever. I always thought that the first one was.  Art Fettig

I didn't know the full dimensions of forever, but I knew it was longer than waiting for Christmas to come.  Richard Brautigan

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.  William Claude Fields

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around.  Bryan White

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?  Tom Armstrong

The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.  John Andrew Holmes

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.  Johnny Carson

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.  P. J. O'Rourke

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
 Arlo Guthrie

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'.  Robert Paul

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.  Victor Borge

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.  Bernard Manning


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